What’s a Plastic Paddy. And how not to be one.

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C’mere to me for a minute me auld segotias.

Well, St. Patrick’s Day is upon us, as people everywhere exhibit peak Irishness.

We Irish are an amazingly welcoming and friendly for bunch, as you know. With that, we feel a bit duty-bound to keep everyone away from the dreaded “Plastic Paddy” territory over the coming weeks and on the big day itself.

So What's a Plastic Paddy anyway?

Well, a Plastic Paddy is someone who embraces the “caricature” of Ireland while misrepresenting true Irish culture. It’s the leprechaun hat and the cringy stereotypes that have your ancestors turn in the grave! So if you’re one-sixteenth Irish, and you embrace it, that’s all good, but if you stop at the cliches, and never actually visit Ireland, you might be in trouble. Don’t worry though, there’s still hope for ya. Read on, and we’ll help shed that “Plastic Paddy” in you.

Patty’s Your Aunt: Paddy’s Your Uncle

First It’s Paddy, not Patty: St. Patrick’s Day is the national holiday of Ireland. Named after St. Patrick ― the mad lad who gets the credit for bringing Christianity to the load of Pagans we used to be in Ireland.

Paddy is the shortened version of the name Patrick in its Gaelic form, Pádraig. We know it’s an odd one, but you can add it to the list of Hiberno-English things the Irish use in our everyday language. Ya know, since the days when we used to get murdered for speaking our own language.

While we are at it. If you find yourself tempted to go to an “Irish” pub because you saw their “St. Patty’s Day” celebration. Save yourself the effort. Don’t go. The Guinness will be shite and the craic moderate at best.

Feck Off with the Top O’ the Morning Shite

Second. We don’t say “Top of the mornin’ to you.” No one uses it. It might have been used centuries ago. Might. But look, it went away with the leprechauns, and, sure, everyone knows they went extinct in the17th century. *

*There’s no such thing as leprechauns. And believe us when we tell you that nobody on this island talks about them apart from tourists.

Third. Don’t walk into a pub and order a dozen Irish car bombs for you and your mates (or even one). These drinks are utter shite. That’s most important. That’s leaving aside the fact that they hold negative ties to terrorism and the Troubles. And, what’s with the green beer? Just stop it.

Get Your Atlas Out

Fourth. Southern Ireland is not, in fact, a country. There’s a Republic of Ireland and a territory of the United Kingdom called Northern Ireland. There are 26 counties in the Republic, and there are 6 counties in the North.

Trying on the Irish Accent

Fifth. Be very sure that you can pull off that accent before you try it in public. And we mean very fucking sure. We do not need you to sound like something out of Darby O Gill and the Little People. Yep, that was actually a thing. Nor do we need you to badly miss and land on any of the following: Cockney, Birmingham, Scottish, Welsh, Australian or New Zealand accent.

This is just a very top-level list of some of the easiest things to avoid so you can be the fantastic and amazing person you are through the coming weeks. We know you’re the soundest person walking around. We should probably end with some sort of enjoy Paddy’s Day responsibly malarkey shouldn’t we. So yeh, be sound.

Make sure to share this with your friends as a form of public service, y’know yourself. And while you’re at it, make sure they’re subscribed to The Craic and follow us @shift.irish on all the socials.

Slan anois agus go raibh maith agat.